Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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