i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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