She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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