dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
