when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
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