I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
