I wanna bring you to show and tell
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
