he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Randomize
