I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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