Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
