He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
