I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
