do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
