the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
