I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
