P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
