My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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