You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
