Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
