I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
