god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
