Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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