Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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