they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
