PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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