so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Randomize
