I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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