I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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