It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
This house was built for laser tag.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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