Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
this is an emotional support booty call
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
