Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
