I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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