so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
