Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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