I am spending my child support on dildos
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
