so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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