You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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