well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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