I got chris browned last night
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
you're hired as official boob wrangler
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
