He disabled his match.com account in front of me
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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