Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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