Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?