I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
We named our party play list daddy issues
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
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Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
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Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.