well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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