Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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