my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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