I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
wow bdsm is so cute
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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