My cat gives me a boner
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Randomize
