fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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