I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
