hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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