Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
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