I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
