got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
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yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
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we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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