i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
4 words: hood of his car
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
