My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
