I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
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