woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
