Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
